Weakness and Strength

Today is the two month mark of our little sweet baby going back to heaven. I thought about her all through the sleepless night, my arms feeling so empty and my heart broken and discouraged. The grieving process has put my physical body and mental and emotional being through something you can only relate to if you have lost and buried a child. The 12th of each month seems to come so quickly i dread it. But, this morning, I have felt my daughter. I haven't had the doubt, sadness and confusion i have been feeling for a bit now. I feel that soft and sweet feeling in my soul. I feel Telaai as I did the night i watched as her spirit left her body and yet i could still feel her as if she was standing by my side with her arms wrapped so tightly around me. I can feel that again. I can't begin to tell you the feeling of hope and joy and much more of an eternal perspective and understand this feeling brings back. There are so many tender mercies our Father in Heaven is just waiting for us to receive if we can just keep the faith! I will not sit here and say that I feel like i am a strong person and that it has gotten easier with time. I feel like my weaknesses have reappeared so much stronger than ever and that i have fallen into temptation. The adversary is stronger than ever right now working on our family and my marriage trying to do whatever he can to destroy our Hope, Faith and Testimony in eternal families. The last few weeks have been some of the hardest i have had to deal with in my whole life. Days like today are the tender mercies i am talking about. There was no miracle or life saving event. It is simply that feeling that Telaai is able to bring back into our heart and home, just a tiny peace of Heaven and what it must feel like there. I can't begin to explain how just a small feeling can bring me even closer to my girls and put that desire and Fire back into me to continue pushing forward even with the doubts and fears i may have. It will be okay. Something i am so grateful i was blessed to have is a very strong will. This can be very bad at times but if it's used in the right way I feel like i could conquer any trial that comes into my life. When Telaai passed away the only way to describe how I or my husband made it though was that we were being carried by angels. It seemed to be a lot easier than i thought it would be. But about a month after her passing life seemed to crumble at my feet and that feeling of being so close to the vale had sadly gone. The world went on, Matt went to work, the girls to school and I was faced with being alone. My strong desires of goals i had made for myself were dwindling day by day. I was becoming more discouraged and impatient with myself and others. No matter how much i tried to remember that sweet feeling and imply it to my life it just didn't seem to come back the way it had. I had to continue forward and I had no idea how to do that. I am learning each day that I only have control over so many things and that is my life, helping teach and raise my kids to the best of my ability. to be a loving a supportive wife to my amazing husband, and to work on my spirituality every day. That is something that is easily tossed to the side cause there may not be enough hours in the day or we are to tired to read scriptures or to kneel and pray and converse with our Father in Heaven. Today, that strong will has sparked back inside of me once more. Without realizing it, I was allowing grief and sadness to consume my spirit and I was forgetting that there is a purpose to all that is in this life. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to grieve. It is also okay to continue living and being happy and laughing. I know that Telaai is waiting for us, she wants us so badly to live a full happy life. It's so easy to get caught up in the sadness of death. But to remember why she came here, the thousands of lives she touched without making a sound or moving a limb. Remembering what she did for our lives and the impact and change that could only come through the sacrifice only she was willing to make is so humbling and inspiring. I am so grateful and proud to be this baby's mother. What an honor and privilege to be able to know that we were chosen to have such a perfect and devoted child that she was willing to come for a moment, let us hug and kiss and touch her and express our love to her and for her to be able to remind us now on a daily bases what life is about. Its about living in a way so that when this life is over, we are able to meet our Savior, thank him for the chance to be together forever and to abide with our families for eternity. It can't get any better than that! This is my testimony.