"Why"

"Why" We've been told and at times taught that asking the words, "why me", "why now", "why this" and "why that" can be selfish words and words of complaint. Being a mother and a wife, there are more times than not that I am suppose to be brave and strong. To teach my kids it is okay to feel and to cry. Then times where we tell them to be tough and not to cry. They ask "why mom" or "why do i have to do that". To them most of the time when they are referencing the "why" word it is mostly out of complaint. I usually, on my better days, try to take that complaint and turn it into a teaching moment. To teach the kids the reason why we do our homework before we play with friends. Why we want to have our chores done on Saturday to feel the peace and spirit of Sunday. Recently I have been the one with all the "why" complaints and selfish words. Why did i have to get pregnant at 17 and start an adult life? Why did my husband want to leave me and his kids for another woman? Why is my new marriage so dang hard? Why do i have such bad depression i can't even stand to get out of bed?. Why, when i feel like such a good mother would Heavenly Father take away my beautiful baby away from me? I'm an adult and yet I feel like I am throwing a 4 year old temper tantrum. While reflecting on these and about 8 million other thoughts a small feeling and voice came to me so clearly out of nowhere. It said " You are my daughter, you are a daughter of God." I sat there not knowing if I was making stuff up to try and comfort my heart that feels like it's shreaded into a thousand pieces. But i heard it again and again and realized it was coming from somewhere much more understanding than my mortal and sorrow filled mind. I sat there and I thought of all these questions I was shouting out of my mind to my Father in Heaven so upset, not understanding or even trying to see the bigger picture of what have come of these trials. I became pregnant at 17 because if i hadn't I would have died from drug or alchohol addiction that had literally taken over my life, Heavenly Father knew me well enough that if i was in charge of taking care of someone besides myself in my body I would do anything to make sure that baby was in the best health possible. Getting pregnant at 17 changed my life and helped me to remember that I was worth more than the next high I was always searching for and I had the opportunity to be a good mother to the baby that had been sent down to me. I married and became a mother very young. I never thought I had much to thank my ex husband for with all that he put me and my kids through. But he gave me my three beautiful daughters, and with him leaving us gave me the opportunity to meet my amazing and faithful husband who I am married to today. The marriage I have with Matt has been one of the hardest and yet one of the most fulfilling trials I have had yet. What man comes into a tired and agitated single mom of three kids' life and wants to not only marry her but be nothing but the best father to children that aren't "biologically" his. Matt did that. He came into our life and not like most of the other men who heard i had kids and went running the other direction. He stayed firm and has done nothing but love me and our girls unconditionally. I'm pretty sure no matter how many times we disagree or get into a fight those amazing qualities take the cake over the stupid little things. Depression is something I have struggled with for most of my life. At times I didn't feel it was even worth one more breath to take because there was no need for me, no plan for me, nothing. Look at my life, I am alive and healthy. I have a husband who adores me and four beautiful girls who I get to be their mother. I live in a beautiful home and have amazing friends and family. I'm grateful that those days i didn't feel like it was worth living anymore, i took one more breath, one more step forward and because i did look at the outcome of my life. Depression is so hard to deal with, it is a disease. But just like any other disease in life you can choose to live with it and make the best of it with the days from hell and the days you are floating on cloud nine. The last couple of months all i can describe myself as is "Lost". Lost as a mother a wife a person. I can see the outcome and the blessings of all of these other trials. But the one of losing a child who I had so much anticipated. I had a nursery set up for her, clothes hanging perfectly in the closet, a car seat a stroller. I had plans of sitting by the pool with her watching her daddy and sisters playing in the water and sitting with her in the dark at night gazing at the stars together. I had so much prepared for her ready for her to come home and make a new and exciting life with us and the rest of her family. That all changed the moment she was born. I had no choice, no options or plan B. When she passed I felt stronger in my faith and my attitude than i have every felt in my life. The vale got thin and life went on, why wouldn't it. I have sat in my room on my knees sobbing many more times than I can count trying to understand or figure out the reason why I may not have been a good enough mom to take care of a special needs child, or what i may have done in my past to bring such a trial to my life. So many of these why feelings and thoughts of complaint and anger. I'm not sure why Telaai was taken from us or where or why this disease came into our lives. I don't know exactly what I will eventually learn from this very challenging trial and how it will positively affect our life as a family and my personal life for the better. All i know is that these moments to when we ask and cry out "Why" our Father in Heaven is using that to try and teach us something. If we choose to get bitter and turn away from Him in our sorrow and our grief I don't think we will ever get that answer of "Why". Many times through all of these trials i had a moment of am I going to go the other way, or am I going to push through this Hell and make it to the end so that I don't have to ask why anymore. I will get the full opportunity to know the truth and satisfaction of all things. We don't get trials to push us away from truth and happiness. We get trials because we were so strong and righteous we agreed that we would go through what we needed to, to have the life we wanted and dreamed of. I don't know if that makes any sense, i never drempt to lose a child but if that's what we agreed on before this life to give us the eternal life we wanted than we will continue to take one more breath and and one more step through one more trial. I will always be one of those people who ask "why" here and there but i think that reflecting on the things i have been through It's so very clear to see that there are so many blessings associated with hardships. "All things will be for thy good."