Where Pain Meets Joy

I had just loaded up the girls in the car and was on our way to the dentist. They were so excited. We were still waiting on the doctors to call with the results from the amnio. It had been about three weeks by this point. I was anxious or nervous waiting to hear if our son was sick or not. I had prayed and thought and knew that everything was okay. Never once did it cross my mind that our little boy has SMA. I have already had a lot of ultra sounds done. Which each one he was moving, his arms and legs extended and flopping around. The doctors told us that from what they could see that this little baby is in perfect health. My phone rang as we were driving in the car and I realized the number was our doctor. With complete excitement and confidence I answered the phone call knowing exactly what they were going to tell me. That my little boy was healthy and that everything was going to be okay. She sounded so calm and as if she had good news to deliver. And then, she paused and said I have some hard news to give you. Without her saying another word, my mind and my heart went back in time to the moment at Primary Childrens Hospital in a small room where a doctor who specializes in SMA told us that our baby daughter Telaai had SMA stage 0 and was dying. Driving in the car with my three girls sitting close by, I stated to cry like an infant. I NEVER thought that in this lifetime i would ever have to feel that feeling of overwhelming grief and fear and confusion. Why would God do this to us again?! Why is this baby that's so "healthy and perfect" so sick at the same time? How can i bury another child? How was i suppose to tell the girls that they are going to lose another sibling? I couldn't believe what she had just told me. The girls obviously know that something was very wrong and Mekhii reached out to me with tears in her eyes and said, Mom is there something wrong with our baby. My heart again had been completely shattered into pieces that will never be able to be put back together. We pulled up to the dentist where Matt was sitting and waiting for us. He came and opened my door. I wasn't breathing and was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't speak, it was as if my tongue had been removed from my mouth. I had no idea what to say to him our how to break the news to him that he is once again going to lose one of his precious babies. After about a few minutes of sobbing and no speaking I took Matt's hands in my own and looked at him and just shook my head. His eyes got wide and filled with tears. We just sat there and stared at each other not knowing what to do next. As I was driving my family home in complete despair, even more thoughts and questions flooded my mind. I am a very strong active member of my church! I don't believe in abortion and at that moment I couldn't help but wonder if I were to let this baby go now, he wouldn't have to be born in such a sick and frail body, never knowing the joys of walking and running or playing sports with his dad or eating and breathing on his own. He wouldn't be exposed to such elements and maybe that was better for him. This may be shocking and offensive to some people, and i don't blame them for thinking that. But until you have experienced something like this not once but twice its hard to understand. I was so angry with God in that moment. I cursed him and screamed and told him enough has happened to us! Why this! What have we done so wrong and why wouldn't we be good enough parents to raise this child like any other, handicapped or not! I questioned my faith, my love of the Lord, myself as a being. I blamed myself and wondered why i hadn't known this before. Why did I fall in love with someone who is a carrier like I of such a horrible disease! What are the chances! Matt and I laid in bed and held each other for a long time, crying like babies. And for those who have experienced situations like this, we started talking about where we were going to buy a plot to bury our two children together, what their headstone was going to be like. We were mourning and grieving our unborn child who was still very much alike. I was so consumed in grief and sorrow for myself, that i didn't realize how much this baby inside of me was moving around and kicking me. More than I had ever felt before. He was letting me know that he was there and he is ALIVE!! I know he could feel how sad i was and i know that he was trying to comfort me the only way that he could and that was by allowing me to feel him kicking me. That was the moment I couldn't believe how selfish i was being. I was planning the death of my baby who is so alive and so well. I knew at that point that medication or surgery can't fix this little guy. It is what it is. For whatever reason i felt so much peace and so calm these last few weeks waiting to hear these results. It has to be for a reason. THere is always hope no matter how dim it may seem. I spent all of Monday night sleepless, unable to turn off the questions and the outcomes. Thinking of the worst and best case of the life of our baby. I couldn't stop thinking about the moment I finally got to hold Telaai in my arms with all the tubes and wires removed from her body and how quickly she passed away, and how, regardless of the pain and anguish i felt through those ten days for my little girl, i would never ever in a million years take back that experience and the opportunity and time i had with her. I would never have traded her for a healthy child. Having been through this trial already and seeing how many tender mercies and blessings came from that time with Telaai, i can't deny that this baby has something incredible to bring to our lives. I will never deny that he isn't suppose to be here and that whatever that entails it is what it is and God does not make mistakes with his children. The plan I don't understand. But, I'm sick of being sad. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. THis isn't about me. It is about bringing a new and very anxious little boy to this world who has been waiting to receive a body of his own. I love him so much. I have so much piece through feeling him. Whatever may be in store for us I don't know.I believe in miracles and have asked maybe if i live a little better and have more faith that God would grant us a miracle. And if this baby is born with SMA or not he is an will always forever be a part of our family. Come what may and love it. Cherish the small and simple things in life and don't overlook the important moments. I can't wait to meet my son, he is so beautiful and has a presence about him that is so celestial. What a blessing of joy to have done something right in another life to have a honor of being parents to such amazing children.

"Why"

"Why" We've been told and at times taught that asking the words, "why me", "why now", "why this" and "why that" can be selfish words and words of complaint. Being a mother and a wife, there are more times than not that I am suppose to be brave and strong. To teach my kids it is okay to feel and to cry. Then times where we tell them to be tough and not to cry. They ask "why mom" or "why do i have to do that". To them most of the time when they are referencing the "why" word it is mostly out of complaint. I usually, on my better days, try to take that complaint and turn it into a teaching moment. To teach the kids the reason why we do our homework before we play with friends. Why we want to have our chores done on Saturday to feel the peace and spirit of Sunday. Recently I have been the one with all the "why" complaints and selfish words. Why did i have to get pregnant at 17 and start an adult life? Why did my husband want to leave me and his kids for another woman? Why is my new marriage so dang hard? Why do i have such bad depression i can't even stand to get out of bed?. Why, when i feel like such a good mother would Heavenly Father take away my beautiful baby away from me? I'm an adult and yet I feel like I am throwing a 4 year old temper tantrum. While reflecting on these and about 8 million other thoughts a small feeling and voice came to me so clearly out of nowhere. It said " You are my daughter, you are a daughter of God." I sat there not knowing if I was making stuff up to try and comfort my heart that feels like it's shreaded into a thousand pieces. But i heard it again and again and realized it was coming from somewhere much more understanding than my mortal and sorrow filled mind. I sat there and I thought of all these questions I was shouting out of my mind to my Father in Heaven so upset, not understanding or even trying to see the bigger picture of what have come of these trials. I became pregnant at 17 because if i hadn't I would have died from drug or alchohol addiction that had literally taken over my life, Heavenly Father knew me well enough that if i was in charge of taking care of someone besides myself in my body I would do anything to make sure that baby was in the best health possible. Getting pregnant at 17 changed my life and helped me to remember that I was worth more than the next high I was always searching for and I had the opportunity to be a good mother to the baby that had been sent down to me. I married and became a mother very young. I never thought I had much to thank my ex husband for with all that he put me and my kids through. But he gave me my three beautiful daughters, and with him leaving us gave me the opportunity to meet my amazing and faithful husband who I am married to today. The marriage I have with Matt has been one of the hardest and yet one of the most fulfilling trials I have had yet. What man comes into a tired and agitated single mom of three kids' life and wants to not only marry her but be nothing but the best father to children that aren't "biologically" his. Matt did that. He came into our life and not like most of the other men who heard i had kids and went running the other direction. He stayed firm and has done nothing but love me and our girls unconditionally. I'm pretty sure no matter how many times we disagree or get into a fight those amazing qualities take the cake over the stupid little things. Depression is something I have struggled with for most of my life. At times I didn't feel it was even worth one more breath to take because there was no need for me, no plan for me, nothing. Look at my life, I am alive and healthy. I have a husband who adores me and four beautiful girls who I get to be their mother. I live in a beautiful home and have amazing friends and family. I'm grateful that those days i didn't feel like it was worth living anymore, i took one more breath, one more step forward and because i did look at the outcome of my life. Depression is so hard to deal with, it is a disease. But just like any other disease in life you can choose to live with it and make the best of it with the days from hell and the days you are floating on cloud nine. The last couple of months all i can describe myself as is "Lost". Lost as a mother a wife a person. I can see the outcome and the blessings of all of these other trials. But the one of losing a child who I had so much anticipated. I had a nursery set up for her, clothes hanging perfectly in the closet, a car seat a stroller. I had plans of sitting by the pool with her watching her daddy and sisters playing in the water and sitting with her in the dark at night gazing at the stars together. I had so much prepared for her ready for her to come home and make a new and exciting life with us and the rest of her family. That all changed the moment she was born. I had no choice, no options or plan B. When she passed I felt stronger in my faith and my attitude than i have every felt in my life. The vale got thin and life went on, why wouldn't it. I have sat in my room on my knees sobbing many more times than I can count trying to understand or figure out the reason why I may not have been a good enough mom to take care of a special needs child, or what i may have done in my past to bring such a trial to my life. So many of these why feelings and thoughts of complaint and anger. I'm not sure why Telaai was taken from us or where or why this disease came into our lives. I don't know exactly what I will eventually learn from this very challenging trial and how it will positively affect our life as a family and my personal life for the better. All i know is that these moments to when we ask and cry out "Why" our Father in Heaven is using that to try and teach us something. If we choose to get bitter and turn away from Him in our sorrow and our grief I don't think we will ever get that answer of "Why". Many times through all of these trials i had a moment of am I going to go the other way, or am I going to push through this Hell and make it to the end so that I don't have to ask why anymore. I will get the full opportunity to know the truth and satisfaction of all things. We don't get trials to push us away from truth and happiness. We get trials because we were so strong and righteous we agreed that we would go through what we needed to, to have the life we wanted and dreamed of. I don't know if that makes any sense, i never drempt to lose a child but if that's what we agreed on before this life to give us the eternal life we wanted than we will continue to take one more breath and and one more step through one more trial. I will always be one of those people who ask "why" here and there but i think that reflecting on the things i have been through It's so very clear to see that there are so many blessings associated with hardships. "All things will be for thy good."

Beam Me Up

"There's a whole n'other conversation going on, in a parallel universe, where nothing breaks and nothing hurts. There's a waltz playing frozen in time, blades of grass on tiny bare feet, I look at you and you're looking at me. Could you beam me up, give me a minute i don't know what i'd say in it. I'd probably just stare happy just to be there holding your face. Beam me up, let me be lighter, |'M TIRED OF BEING A FIGHTER, I THINK, a minutes enough, Just beam me up. Some black birds soaring in the sky, barely a breath like our one last say, tell me that was you saying goodbye. There are times when i feel the shiver and cold, it only happens when i'm on my own, I tell ya tell me i'm not alone. Could you beam me up, give me a minute i don't know what i'd say in it. I'd probably just stare happy just to be there holding your face. Beam me up, let me be lighter i'm tired of being a fighter I think a minutes enough, just beam me up. In my head i see your baby blues. I hear your voice and i break in two, and now there's one of me with you. So when you need me can you give me a sign, I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights, I'll pick a star and watch you shine, Could you beam me up, give me a minute i don't know what i'd say in it. I'd probably just stare happy just to be there holding your face. Beam me up, let me be lighter i'm tired of being a fighter I think, a minutes enough. Just beam me up." We live in such a fast paced world. Faster phones, tv, ipads, drive thru's, internet. Put your kids in twenty different hobbies and sports. By the time we have time to slow down it's like we still have so much pressure to do housework, buy groceries, do more work if we are working outside of the home, just trying to catch up! It seems when we finally stop to breath and look around us at the spinning world that may seem to be completely spinning out of control. We forget who we are, what we are and most importantly what truly matters in this very mortal life. I put the words to this song on here for two reasons. Not only does it calm me down and really help me to reflect on my kids, Telaai and my husband. It has a much more broad purpose in the wards than what you hear. As I was listening to this song tonight just reflecting on how fast paced my life seems. I feel like I have lost my way in life, like I have gotten so caught up in consuming my hurt and grieve and feelings with everything else that seriously doesn't matter and in doing that have lost my place in life. I have found myself bitter and angry. Blaming God and asking why so many things have happened to our family and that i feel like we are good people. I seem to blaming everything else but myself for the feelings I have had. I went in this past week to talk to my bishop to plead for guidance in my life. It was very interesting and so humbling what he said to me. I told him I'm so sick of being told how strong i am and how people don't see me behind closed doors, that i'm not a strong person. I do what i need to do for my family to help them have the best life possible, at this point i'm sobbing my eyes out in complete despair. He looked at me with the sweetest smile and tears in his eyes and simply said, you know those stories in the scriptures about the armies that fought against each other. They were both incredibly strong, but, one army was physically strong and spiritually strong. That response hit me to my very sole. I have forgotten and pushed aside the love of my Savior and my God. I haven't prayed only spitting things out in bitter and angry fits. I don't read my scriptures. I have completely forgotten I AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD. He is there to Beam Me Up. To take my burdens and make them light, he is just waiting for us to speak to him and tell him of our joys our sorrows, our heart aches and our triumphs. This song helps me so much because it reminds me of something my Heavenly Father must be thinking of about me. When I realized this, the warm truthfulness of what I know came flooding back into my soul, my body was filled with warmth i haven't felt since Telaai brought us so close to Heavens vail. I remember I i had been forgetting in my fast paced life. Just as us parents crave to comfort our children and to make sure that they feel loved and safe and know we will always be there to listen to them without judgement, so is our God, our Father. I have a peace again i haven't been able to feel lately. I love music and am so grateful that there are such talented people out there who can turn such beautiful word into music that can fill our souls with the spirit. The next time we feel ourselves spinning out of control from the daily pressures of life, take a minute, take a breath and just slow down a little and remember who you are.

Consistency

What is consistency? It can mean so many things to so many different types of people. My life has never been consistent. I have a tendency to want to spice life up, to throw curve balls and make my life and the life of my family more exciting. One definition of Consistency is " Logically ordered and/or following the same pattern". Okay, for those of you who know me and know how i live my life, that isn't me AT ALL!!! I try each day to make it to the gym and to keep myself healthy. I try so hard each day to clean my house, make sure everything is in it's proper place and not have dishes in the sink. To have my clothes cleaned and folded and put nicely into the exact spot from which they came. I try to be an avid reader of books and of my scriptures. To pray each night personally and with my family and husband. To visit Telaai's graveside more than once a week so that she knows how much i care for her and miss her dearly. Doesn't this just exhaust you reading it! Or maybe it doesn't because i know a lot of men and women who are totally capable of such consistency. I have been feeling this overwhelming burden of being the perfect wife, mother, daughter, friend. It has started to consume my mind and my spirit. I feel I just don't have enough time, or that what i do will be undone in two seconds or that people just don't appreciate how hard i really am working. But, how good i feel when amidst the kids screaming and running around the house, i finally get the dishes done that have been in the sink for two days. When i haven't had time or energy to workout for days and finally get the chance and just punch it out with all my might at the gym for the one hour i have to myself. When i stop and sit down with my sweet girls to just laugh for a minute and a lot of times cry with them because with a house full of girls we get on each others nerves. These are small accomplishments but they are consistent. Maybe not to other people's standards but for what has happened to our family in the last two months this is as consistent as it gets for now. Consistency is the key, it makes us better, it helps our kids and maybe even our husbands (Matt)feel happy and content and safe because they know what to expect, it may not happen that day or even the next and that is just fine. I want to be more consistent. I want to follow patterns that are organized and help make my life better. I want to have rituals on the birthday and passing dates of Telaai. I want to take time each week to spend individually with my girls, to hug them a little tighter and longer and to help them grow to their greatest potential. I want to be a better wife, to be more organized with cleaning and cooking. I am working on being healthy and fit not only for myself but for my family so they can know that i will be around for as much of their lives that i am able. I'm so grateful to have the chance and opportunity to have consistency in my life. It gives me a challenge that i have yet to accomplish but each day i seem to figure what in my life is the most important and what i'm going to do to make sure that everything I do is to the best of my ability.

Weakness and Strength

Today is the two month mark of our little sweet baby going back to heaven. I thought about her all through the sleepless night, my arms feeling so empty and my heart broken and discouraged. The grieving process has put my physical body and mental and emotional being through something you can only relate to if you have lost and buried a child. The 12th of each month seems to come so quickly i dread it. But, this morning, I have felt my daughter. I haven't had the doubt, sadness and confusion i have been feeling for a bit now. I feel that soft and sweet feeling in my soul. I feel Telaai as I did the night i watched as her spirit left her body and yet i could still feel her as if she was standing by my side with her arms wrapped so tightly around me. I can feel that again. I can't begin to tell you the feeling of hope and joy and much more of an eternal perspective and understand this feeling brings back. There are so many tender mercies our Father in Heaven is just waiting for us to receive if we can just keep the faith! I will not sit here and say that I feel like i am a strong person and that it has gotten easier with time. I feel like my weaknesses have reappeared so much stronger than ever and that i have fallen into temptation. The adversary is stronger than ever right now working on our family and my marriage trying to do whatever he can to destroy our Hope, Faith and Testimony in eternal families. The last few weeks have been some of the hardest i have had to deal with in my whole life. Days like today are the tender mercies i am talking about. There was no miracle or life saving event. It is simply that feeling that Telaai is able to bring back into our heart and home, just a tiny peace of Heaven and what it must feel like there. I can't begin to explain how just a small feeling can bring me even closer to my girls and put that desire and Fire back into me to continue pushing forward even with the doubts and fears i may have. It will be okay. Something i am so grateful i was blessed to have is a very strong will. This can be very bad at times but if it's used in the right way I feel like i could conquer any trial that comes into my life. When Telaai passed away the only way to describe how I or my husband made it though was that we were being carried by angels. It seemed to be a lot easier than i thought it would be. But about a month after her passing life seemed to crumble at my feet and that feeling of being so close to the vale had sadly gone. The world went on, Matt went to work, the girls to school and I was faced with being alone. My strong desires of goals i had made for myself were dwindling day by day. I was becoming more discouraged and impatient with myself and others. No matter how much i tried to remember that sweet feeling and imply it to my life it just didn't seem to come back the way it had. I had to continue forward and I had no idea how to do that. I am learning each day that I only have control over so many things and that is my life, helping teach and raise my kids to the best of my ability. to be a loving a supportive wife to my amazing husband, and to work on my spirituality every day. That is something that is easily tossed to the side cause there may not be enough hours in the day or we are to tired to read scriptures or to kneel and pray and converse with our Father in Heaven. Today, that strong will has sparked back inside of me once more. Without realizing it, I was allowing grief and sadness to consume my spirit and I was forgetting that there is a purpose to all that is in this life. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to grieve. It is also okay to continue living and being happy and laughing. I know that Telaai is waiting for us, she wants us so badly to live a full happy life. It's so easy to get caught up in the sadness of death. But to remember why she came here, the thousands of lives she touched without making a sound or moving a limb. Remembering what she did for our lives and the impact and change that could only come through the sacrifice only she was willing to make is so humbling and inspiring. I am so grateful and proud to be this baby's mother. What an honor and privilege to be able to know that we were chosen to have such a perfect and devoted child that she was willing to come for a moment, let us hug and kiss and touch her and express our love to her and for her to be able to remind us now on a daily bases what life is about. Its about living in a way so that when this life is over, we are able to meet our Savior, thank him for the chance to be together forever and to abide with our families for eternity. It can't get any better than that! This is my testimony.

Through Many Trials Come Blessings Ten Fold

I haven't posted anything on this for a very long time. Life got hard, i had a miscarriage, Matt and I just couldn't seem to be able to pull our marriage together, kind of just coming unraveled at the seems. When i got pregnant in late November of 2011 it was a huge shock and surprise because not only had we been trying for over a year to get pregnant and i had really come to the conclusion that i would never have another baby, i wasn't happy in my physical or spiritual life. I didn't know what i was going to do. I felt like such an inadequate mother and wife already how was I going to be able to be a mother to another beautiful soul straight from heaven. It's almost like i didn't feel worthy of such a blessing because i had just given up on hope. What is life without hope? I don't think there is. My new hope was this blessing of a baby, growing inside of my body. I could keep her safe and protected for at least nine months from the nastiness and temptations of the world in which we live. From the beginning of the pregnancy I was so nervous. After having a miscarriage and feeling like i had done something wrong and made it so that that baby could not survive in my body. I wanted to make sure this time i was as healthy as possible and didn't do anything that would or could cause stress or damage to my unborn baby. I ate healthy (for like 90% percent of the time). I would cry on the way to the gym everyday. I loved to work out before i was pregnant, but now having three kids in school and daily life and stress it was hard to muster strength and energy to go to the gym. I knew i needed to beyond my lack of desire to help keep this baby healthy and strong. Things didn't seem to get better however between Matt and I. Our selfishness towards our own wants and desires increased so much and we fought daily. Not caring how it made each other feel or the girls feel. Our home had a sad feel to it. I really couldn't understand why if i was trying to be the best mom i could be, trying so hard to make sure this baby growing inside of me got the best care possible. I prayed each night and would read my scriptures on occasion. I didn't realize i was lacking so much. I had finally come to the decision that it was time for Matt and I's marriage to come to a close about a week before our daughter was born. He has always been such an amazing daddy to our sweet girls and it crushed me to think of how I would be able to break such news to them. I just couldn't do the bickering and fighting and the words that were exchanged. Then on August 2 2012, a miracle happened. Our daughter was born. She was beautiful. 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. She had dark brown hair and even darker brown eyes. She did something truly angelic that day. She brought with her into this world Hope, Charity, Love, Patients, Desire to Serve, Faith. She brought a piece of heaven with her that was so small and simple but powerful enough to take the bands that Satan had so tightly bound her parents and loosened them enough for us to free ourselves, to look outside of our hardened hearts and hopeless spirits. To bring back our eternal desire of being together forever as husband and wife and eternal family. I find it so extremely humbling and encouraging that in our darkest hour of Satans power over us, Heavenly Father sent down an angel with enough of his spirit without Telaai even making a sound or moving a limb. The overwhelming spirit and love that we were able to feel is truly to indescribable. Our little family came together. The girls were able to see their mommy and daddy touch and kiss and laugh again. They were happier, we were happier. Through our little angel Telaai she came down here in such a sick and frail body for a grand purpose. To save her parents, to help us love again and to find that desire to get Sealed for Time and ALL Eternity so that we WILL be able to hold her in our arms once more and do it as a completed family in the celestial kingdom. What a blessing to have such a testimony and knowledge that even though our sweet baby chose to come here for only a very short amount of time to help teach and remember death is not the end. It is a continuation of  the Plan of Happiness. She came into this world so gracefully and passed just as graceful there is no denying that there is life after death. Matt and I have made it through the passing of our daughter together, our marriage isn't perfect but we have a reason behind being together now, and that is to be together forever with our children and their children. My testimony of Eternal Families is unbreakable. It is stronger than ever. I cry a lot. I hug my children so much tighter. I am doing the best of what i can with what i have. Heavenly Father and Telaai are at my side helping me. I have such a long way to go to accomplish my goals of being a better mom and wife. I'm so grateful for the patients and love of my girls and husband. I know that i will get to see our little miracle someday. What a blessing and privilege to have the life i thought i never wanted or imagined i could ever have.

Christmas Time

This year has been kind of hard for me to get into the "Christmas Spirit". I'm not sure why. We have our Christmas tree and stockings and have made SOOO many cookies and taken them to people, have had spiritual family home evenings, gone to Temple Square. It has been an amazing time for our family. Maybe it's just me! But then i think about how blessed i am to have such an amazing family. It is all becaus of Jesus Christ. He made this all possible and that puts the Christmas season in a different perspective for me. I feel like Christmas has become to materialistic and i feel so caught up in that somethimes. Like i won't be able to provide enough or the "perfect" gifts for the girls or Matt. I feel so much pressure. But i have to just sit back and remember that we have so much and i wouldn't change one bit of my life and how it stands and for that i am grateful. The look on the girls faces were priceless when we went to Salt Lake to look at the lights. Oh, it was so fun. And, it wasn't cold!!!! That made it so much more enjoyable! We walked around and afterwards sat and had hot cocoa and doughnuts, a family traditon. We also have a great friend who offered to take pictures of our family. She was so good and patient with us. Zharaa, of course with her "sweet" attitude made the experience so enjoyable. But you know what, that is how it goes usually and i am learning more each day to be okay with that. We love getting our pictures taken as a family. Something we can hold onto and look back at forever! I love my family, i love my friends. I am so grateful for the life i have. These are the things that have and are giving me a different Christmas experience this year. Merry Christmas to everyone. YOu are all so amazing and i am so privillaged to have you in my life! Happy Holidays!!